Amongst many other inspiring facilitators I got invited to speak at Intimacy Symposium at the KulturMarktHalle Berlin as part of the Intimate Revolution Festival. The overall Topic was “Beyond Polarities”. In my talk “Meeting through Polarities – Is it Beyond or Beneath?” I want to shed light of what we are facing in the outer world and how we can find embodied community practices that support us in our navigation through polarizing times.

When I got the invitation to speak at the symposium with the overarch topic „Beyond polarities“ somtehing in me responded quite immediate: I was like, yes, lets do it, this topic is super relevant! The more time passed I also noticed some nervousness: Questioning myself, do you think that was a good idea? Speaking on that topic is immensely complex, how can I give justice to that in 20 minutes? What I would like to try is to not go into the immense complexity of polarizing themes in our society right now, rather touch them on a broader level to show how they effect me, my path and how they influence my work. The title of the talk is „Meeting through polarity: is it beyond or beneath?“ I would like to invite you to come with me on a journey to some perspectives and ideas that might hold some impulses and inspirations for you to think them further…

I found it very fitting, to invite conversations around the topic of polarity also in this festival as for me it is super present and relevant to the times we are in and the worldy topics we are moving with as human beings right now. The last years I feel that more and more topics invaded in our time and society that do polarize in various ways. Personally I realized how it does have an effect to my sense of safety in the world, to my relation ships, to my sense of belonging, to which groups and communties I move in or distance myself from. These personal effects on how to move and be in the world also shapes and changes my work and what I would like to contribute and share. 

So what are the topics of polarization? Without going to much into detail I still want to mention a few: The wars we are facing in the world and the systemic and political questions and decisions that are coming with them; the question of genderqueernes vs. heteronormative systems (binary system vs. gender as a spectrum) and what it all brings (e.g. how our language changes to include more realities of people of minority); the uprising of fascist partys and opposing (left) demonstration movements; so many forms of discrimination that we are sturggeling with in society and that play out on personal, individual, but also institutional and structural level, like racism or all other -isms we can think of, sexism, ableism , adultism, homo and transphobia; digitalism and the critical aspects around it, how that forms our relationship to technology and nature; the threatining effects of the Climate change, Viruses that are sill floating around etc. etc. All these topics for me hold this piece of polarizing and creating different parties: The ones who are on this side and the ones who are on that side. The ones who think they are getting it and „the others“ who (from their point of view) who have to get it. The ones who think they are right and „the others“ who (from their point of view) are wrong. As much as I personally would like that many people think differently and love to inspire people to open up to several perspectives which I personally consider as beneficial for the way we move with each other as human beings in society, I painfully have to realize that very often it is not working that way so easy. Often I meet this place of stuckness, when it comes to polarizing topics. I meet it in my releation ships, with close friends, intimate love relationships and also within family. It does bring me to the point that the polarzing topics of our society hold a big potential: potential for seperation, pain, frustration and other strong emotions of discomfort but maybe also a potential of meeting in new ways maybe more intimately, more honestly, raw and vulnarable.

The first thing that came to my mind when I read about the topic of „Beyond Polarities“ was the poet Rumy from the mystic sufi tradition. He said something hope giving how I find: 

„Beyond right and wrong there is a garden… I meet you there.“

The beautiful thing about poetry is, when it’s good poetry it does something to our bodies. It is a somatic experience. When I speak the words to myself …Beyond right and wrong, there is a garden, I meet you there… and I let these words drop into my system, I experience, release, calmth, trust, relaxation. I think also it is great to know that (with whatever is happening in the polarizing world) somehwere there is a garden and that I can meet you there. But I also remember the voice of a non-violent communication teacher who used this quote as well and then he said something like: Yes, but what the fuck? What do you mean there is a garden, I want to know how to get there? And that is for me a really interesting question, too because maybe we can imagine this place beyond polarities, beyond right and wrong, but to be honest in many situations, also with the polarizing topics mentioned before very often in my daily life I don’t feel it, maybe even very far from it. I am noticing moments of despair around this idea of the garden.

And I still think we should never stop to imagine. We need to keep on dreaming and imagening, as this is the base for other realities to come. As Angela Davis used to say: We are the manifestations of the imagination of the people who where there before us. I want to bring it down a bit more to my path and and how this all relates to my work. 

In my personal path I guess I am very much driven by this idea of the garden. This place beyond right and wrong, where we can meet each other more in the true versions of ourselves, where we can be more of who we are, where we can meet in the places that show us how much we are connected instead of what seperates us. I realized how this desire often is the fuel of my actions in the world and so it is for my work. I want to contribute to create spaces and structures where we can make these experiences beyond polarity, beyond what sperates us, where we can shed layers of ourselves that do not reflect who we are in our innermost essence. So how can we create these spaces and structures that allow us to make these experiences also as reference points in order to keep on moving in such a fragmented world? 

For me here comes also a tricky point: I can observe it in my personal path but also in the spaces I move in, that might be directed to something that people call „healing“, that here is such a deep wish and desire to meet in the BEYOND. The desire of the garden, where we can be fully ourselves, show our truth, meet each other, feel connected and in trust with each other, feel us as “one body” or “one organism”. Since topics of polarization are getting more and more present the last years I realized that it is not an easy thing to meet in the BEYOND and I realized in order to meet there, we have to also look and not shy away to what is actually BENEATH. Coming back to the question of my non violent communication teacher: How do we get there in the garden? First of all asking the question, what is it we are meeting in the “beneath”? What are all the emotions that come with the polarizing topics, what gets touched here? What do we face? Maybe there is fear, maybe there is anger, sadness or grief. If we do not feel these emotions, it can easily go in a direction of by-passing important parts of ourselves and we do not really meet and see each other. So when we want to go to the place of connectedness what are we facing on that way? Where are the places in ourselves where we are disconnected, the places that haven’t received love yet in us? Can we acknowledge that and hold space for each other here? This has often to do with allowing discomfort, feeling a lot of challenging emotions that has not been felt or dont want to be felt because they might be overwhelming. How can we make space for these emotions? How much are we willing to go actually BENEATH, in the emotional rollercoaster in order to meet somewhere else, in the BEYOND. This is for me a practice and in my work I am looking for formats, structures and technologies that feel safe enough that allows this practice to happen… I would like to share some more things, why working with sexuality supports these kinds of processes.

As a sexological Bodyworker, working with sexuality for me this is such an immediate gateopener to meet people in something that is very much closer to their essence. When we are allowed and have the permission to be in the space with our sexual nature, however this wants to be expressed and seen, we also touch very vulnerable places. It can be expansive, alive and cell rejunivating and very (self-)connecting but it can also be challenging as wo probably also meet the places that have been hidden, ashamed, condemned, hurt, violated, supressed or hold back. 

And I want to address that this is also a reflection of the capitalist and patriachal systems we are moving in as the question of power comes in here: There are very limiting ideas and also violating in many ways of how, where, with whom, from whom and in which ways the expression of sexuality is accepted on a society level. There are many imprinted and limiting patterns from our capitalist and patriachal systems that do not allow us to express ourselves in the way we might acutally want it. If we dare to break through these patterns it is very much likely that a whole emotional rollercoaster comes with it and that can bring us to very raw and vulnarable places of ourselves. So for me sexuality brings us in contact with our very humanness in all different facettes, on a personal level but also with collective topics, and as such allows us to meet us more initmate and pure.

The last years I also worked a lot with grief work as well, where I realized that sexuality and eros is very much interconnected with grief. Both could be seen as life force that wants to run through us. When we work with grief, we are working with strong emotions. Emotions are life energy that want to move through us, they want to be in motion as the word says and be felt in the body. It is the same with sexuality and eros: It is a creative life energy that is running through us, that brings us forward, stirs us in many ways and creates life. Sometimes when opening up to our sexuality strong emotions can get touched, sometimes it is the other way round: When we feel strong emotions or get touched deeply we can feel an erotic stream in our body. Our grief as our sexuality are potential gateways to come in touch with life on a very pure and even ecstatic way. So how can we make space for both, the strong and challenging emotions as well as the ecstatic erotic currents of life. And here again comes the question, can we create spaces that let us feel safe enough to meet in these ways?

I don’t think that it is always an easy thing to do. Yes, It is work! But I think we need this work in our times. We need this spaces, to feel, to experience ourselves in our joy and lust, in our emotions and struggles, and we need to hold space for each other here. That is for me the kind of activism we need in this world. And this is where our somatic practices are a very political act as well. Our inner structures are a reflection of the outer systems and structures we are moving in. We carry our systems in our body cells. When we meet this challenging inner structrues and find new pathways out, we are also contributing to outer change as this will radiate in our environments, in our relationships, in our comunities. 

So we need to have new artistic social technologies or practices of ritual where we can get in touch with these life forces that are running though us and allow them to become more flowing to strengthen our resilience on an embodied level. Creating formats where it feels safe(r) to open to the beautiful and enlivening experiences but at the same time allowing space for discomfort and challenging emotions. For me it needs the BENEATH in order to meet in the BEYOND. The more where are able and dare to feel beneath the more we are able to meet each other as we are, beyond rigth and wrong, as human beings, in our truth, Through the Polarities, in our humanness.