Wrapped up in my three blankets, I sit in my dark and unheated room and read from the book “The Message of the Horses” by Klaus Hempfling. Here it is said that in Hebrew the word horses means “S-U-S” and that in numerology, the letters stand for the numbers 60 – 6 – 60. The number six stands for new beginnings, the state of creating something new. “The horses always come when salvation is near or can come about. You break through something and then there is victory. That is the meaning of the encounter with the horse..”
Given that I am asking myself in what phase of my life am I in and why I wanted to spend time with these animals right now. What is it that wants to start anew? Is there something that wants to be broken through and what would it be that feels like a victory in my life?
To be honest, nothing feels like a victory right now… Sitting in a dark and cold room being in a breakup process of a 10 years relationship, it’s raining outside and in the room next door I can hear the rats crawling and chasing each other. In general, the word “victory” tends to evoke resistance in me. Associations come up in me of battles, winners, losers, struggles and showdowns, of linearity, goal-directedness, striving for something and achieving it, in order to then stand on top of the winner’s podium and see who is behind and below you. And already I find myself in the realm of big cultural questions. How can I find a new meaning of the word victory that makes sense for me and doesn’t refer to this old patriachal and worn out images?
My experience in working with the horses is not about proving something, striving to achieve a goal and taking on a challenge to make it your mission. In working with the horses I experience the potential of direct contact with the enormous power that these animals hold and embody. To be in touch with a pure sense of freedom, aliveness and the wild powerful nature. This does not happen through wanting and striving, but with absolute delicacy. It is about quiet presence, deep listening, perceiving and noticing the finest movements that are happening in the present moment. Sensing time that is passing through. Constantly all the time, as long there is breath, with yourself, with the animals.
What is it that stand in the way to be in this state of experience? What is preventing me from accessing this quiet but determined power. What is it that keeps me away from tapping into this frequency of deep connection with life?
My process as part of larger cultural transformation processes?
What wants to die right now in relation to our dominating patriarchal culture? What wants to start anew, what wants to be born?
It is the longing for this ancient connection to life that is referring to our primal nature that always drives me forward. This connection wants to be restored and felt. But how does it work, how do I get there?
Here is the dilemma: already me trying to get somewhere, tells me that I am not there. So what to do?
Nothing to do.
Take a breath and feel.
Be there for a moment.
Allowing possible pain that comes. Acknowledging the loss and mourn about it. Noticing. Noticing all the places where I am separated from this pure life connection, slowly and without doing anything. Acknowledging, this is the key to a more connected state. The horses teach me to feel, all the areas where I am separated from this wild power, from the immediate presence in the here and now. They tell me when I am in my mind and not sensing the world through my heart. They help me to slow down…
When I become quiet and allow my thoughts to drop, like raindrops splashing down on the wet earth. When I listen to the rhythmic snorting, the chewing noises that surround me, when I feel the richness of the earth beneath me, how it carries and holds me, when I let go from all my ambitions, from all my wanting but instead immersing myself in the momentary experience of what there is right now, when I allow my body to breathe in the smells of hay and wet fur, slowly magic starts to unfold. This huge and powerful yet humble and soft animal comes closer. I feel the warm and alive breath, the soft horse’s snout, on my hand, my neck, my face, my chest. There’s nothing to do, nothing to reach, just feel, let time pass through the bodies. letting there be room for everything. Watching it happen as it happens, from one thing to the next…
and this moment feels like a small yet big victory. There is nothing to reach. It is all ready here. Letting there be room for everything.